Easter eggs got thrown out

Today is the 4th day of school since Spring Break.  I didn't expect the boys to be perfectly behaved from all the playing they'd done over the break, but when it came to prayer time, I needed them to be serious.   I let them pray first and there were both fine, then it was my turn.  I took a little longer to pray and since I heard no sound from the boys, I thought they must be good and listening.  Of course once I opened my eyes, Ethan was playing with an empty Easter egg shell, and Noah was playing with his Iron Man costume gloves.  I was upset, I was mad.  I told Ethan because he decided to play with the egg shell while I prayed, he will lose all the Easter eggs.  Noah had to take off his costume and can't wear it for the whole day.  Was I too mean?

I asked the boys the same question.  Was mommy being mean?  Both of them said yes.  I had to explain to them that I wasn't being mean but I had to teach them about their actions lead to consequences, good or bad.  It might be seem that I have overreacted, but I really needed the boys to understand the seriousness of prayer time and the importance of respect for God and people who are praying. This has been a ongoing issue with them, they don't have the fear of God yet.

I have to admit though, I have second thoughts about throwing the all the eggs out. Should I have only thrown out one or a few?  Ethan was very sad but didn't throw a tantrum which was shocking to me.  I calmed him down and explained my reasons, he was fine.  I think it was wild but hopefully a good decision made.

Back from Spring Break....

Last week was our Spring Break.  We celebrated Noah's 5th birthday visiting the dinosaurs at the Field Museum.  It was also a week of getting together with old and new friends.  We hosted playdates with our pastor's wife, a college friend, and friends from the city.  It was truly a busy week!  I would have to say that I didn't really get physically rested during this week, but being able to have adult conversations with moms was priceless!

I have to say the favorite part of the week was the day I spent with just the boys. The day started with going to Noah's 5 year checkup with Ethan tagging along (Bethany went to the city with my husband).  We then went to the library to read books and played on the computer.  I let the boys choose to have lunch between Culver's and Wendy's and they chose Wendy's.  During lunch, Ethan said something that surprised me.  He said, "hmm, this is fun".  I didn't think that doing "mundane" and "ordinary" things like going to doctors, library, and Wendy's would be "fun" for them.  We also spent extra time at Wendy's putting together their kids' meal toys - monster truck with cardboard ramps.

That day was indeed fun and relaxing for us.  It reminded me that we don't need to do extravagant things to impress our kids, to make ourselves look like fun parents.  Kids just want to spend time with us, no matter what we're doing.  When Noah wanted to do sticker book with me, he would tell me he likes it because he's doing it with me.  So I need to remind myself that it's not "what" we do with our kids that is the most important, but the "time spent" with them.

I thank God for revealing this truth to me this past week.

Getting better...but still struggling

So after the recent breakdown, things had gotten somewhat better.  My husband and I talked at lengths about formats for discipline, things that are working and not working.  We find that grounding works better on Noah because he doesn't like to be alone, he would keep coming out of his room needing attention. However, Ethan's personality is different and enjoys his alone time, so it didn't impact him as much.  I had to tell Ethan the "family time" he's missing from being grounded and that impacted him.  He broke down and cried, saying he wanted to read to daddy.

I think that many times I get frustrated is due to my own expectations of the kids. The higher and more expectations I set out for the kids, the more disappointed and frustrated I feel.  So what then?  Do I not set high standards for them?  I think I should still set the high standards, however, I need to also expect failures and regressions and accept them without overreacting.  So often I have my highs when they're good and expect them to be good for a long time, when they don't, I allowed my emotions to get to me and bring myself down to a very low point.

I do believe this is a spiritual battle.  I allow Satan to plant negative thoughts into my head, bringing myself down along with the kids.  I would then view the kids in the most negative light beyond reason.  I want to win this!

Dear God, I praise you for showing me my weakness.  Thank you for Jesus who have defeated Satan and death when you died and rose again.  Lord, I am so weak physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I need your help!  Give me strength that I need to overcome the fear of failure, the fear of ruining my kids. In Jesus name, take away any negative thoughts that are planted in my head and give me your word and wisdom.  May I lead by example and not by mere words.  May my words and actions honor and glorify you.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

A breakdown

Yup...just like the post title says, I broke down today.

I have been bottling up a lot for the last few weeks, feeling very burdened with everything.  I had even led a prayer meeting on "laboring" 2 weeks ago.  I felt like everything I had to do as a homeschool mom was a labor and it weighed down on me so much.  I found myself constantly signing every time I see the kids being disobedient or not paying attention when I taught.  Even at times when they're just being playful, I saw that as annoying and couldn't stand it.  Something wasn't right.  As I was writing up the question for the prayer meeting, I found my answer to the question: Why do I feel this way?  It is because I have been relying on my own strength too much.  I have't gone to Jesus for help.  I used my own wisdom to discipline, to teach, to do everything.  I needed to get refreshed by His word and prayer but I didn't have the discipline to do so.

So back to today.  The boys haven't been very good at listening this last week, especially during our bible lessons.  I have been reading the stories from the curriculum, trying to use my own words when possible to train them to listen well.  I could have drawn pictures on the board to make it easier for them, but the point was to train their listening and comprehension skills.  However, every time I read to them, they are either spacing out or goofing off.  I ALWAYS ended up repeating the stories a few times and they still wouldn't give me the right answers.

When this happened again this morning, I just got so angry and sent the boys up to their rooms.  I then started crying and just couldn't stop for a long time.  I felt like I was releasing all of the stress and burden I felt for the last few weeks.  I was asking God what to do.  My husband was kind enough to take over and talked to the boys.  He grounded the boys in their rooms and could only come out for meals.  No toys and no TV.

Later, I was told that when asked what "love" is, the boys gave answers like, "giving gifts", "hugs and kisses", etc.  My husband reminded them "love" is sacrifice for others, not thinking about yourself, like God showed his love to us by sacrifice of Jesus.  Ethan later drew a picture filled with hearts for me.  I told him while I appreciate the gift, I would rather have him show love to him by obedience.  I know this is not over, and we have a long way to go....