A breakdown

Yup...just like the post title says, I broke down today.

I have been bottling up a lot for the last few weeks, feeling very burdened with everything.  I had even led a prayer meeting on "laboring" 2 weeks ago.  I felt like everything I had to do as a homeschool mom was a labor and it weighed down on me so much.  I found myself constantly signing every time I see the kids being disobedient or not paying attention when I taught.  Even at times when they're just being playful, I saw that as annoying and couldn't stand it.  Something wasn't right.  As I was writing up the question for the prayer meeting, I found my answer to the question: Why do I feel this way?  It is because I have been relying on my own strength too much.  I have't gone to Jesus for help.  I used my own wisdom to discipline, to teach, to do everything.  I needed to get refreshed by His word and prayer but I didn't have the discipline to do so.

So back to today.  The boys haven't been very good at listening this last week, especially during our bible lessons.  I have been reading the stories from the curriculum, trying to use my own words when possible to train them to listen well.  I could have drawn pictures on the board to make it easier for them, but the point was to train their listening and comprehension skills.  However, every time I read to them, they are either spacing out or goofing off.  I ALWAYS ended up repeating the stories a few times and they still wouldn't give me the right answers.

When this happened again this morning, I just got so angry and sent the boys up to their rooms.  I then started crying and just couldn't stop for a long time.  I felt like I was releasing all of the stress and burden I felt for the last few weeks.  I was asking God what to do.  My husband was kind enough to take over and talked to the boys.  He grounded the boys in their rooms and could only come out for meals.  No toys and no TV.

Later, I was told that when asked what "love" is, the boys gave answers like, "giving gifts", "hugs and kisses", etc.  My husband reminded them "love" is sacrifice for others, not thinking about yourself, like God showed his love to us by sacrifice of Jesus.  Ethan later drew a picture filled with hearts for me.  I told him while I appreciate the gift, I would rather have him show love to him by obedience.  I know this is not over, and we have a long way to go....